Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.

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My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”

You guys just tried it, didn’t you?


Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?

Me: Yes, a bit

Dr: And now?

Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex


Instead of a post-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.


Kanye deleted all the slander like we didn’t have an hour to grab screenshots and make power point presentations


Co-worker got his lunch stolen and they’ve agreed to let him watch the security camera tape. This is the most excited I’ve ever been at any job ever. Ever.


You know what sucks about Karaoke?

Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna


Friend – Your grammar is horrible.

Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth


*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*


I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.


This lady at the Edible Arrangement store acts like no one’s ever asked for a corn dog bouquet before.