@TheDairylandDon

Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.

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@jan_rtr

My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”

You guys just tried it, didn’t you?

@mrjohndarby

Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?

Me: Yes, a bit

Dr: And now?

Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex

@FuckabillyRex

Instead of a post-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.

@CountOnVic

Kanye deleted all the slander like we didn’t have an hour to grab screenshots and make power point presentations

@zaktoscani

Co-worker got his lunch stolen and they’ve agreed to let him watch the security camera tape. This is the most excited I’ve ever been at any job ever. Ever.

@squirrel74wkgn

You know what sucks about Karaoke?

Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna

@3dog101

Friend – Your grammar is horrible.

Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth

@Scottzilla667

*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*

@thepaulahunt

I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.

@ashmensch

This lady at the Edible Arrangement store acts like no one’s ever asked for a corn dog bouquet before.