2 grams for $40??? Son, you are getting soooooo ripped off.
Go see Jermaine on Fremont St. Tell him Your Mother sent you.
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
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TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
english person: you mean you don’t have SNELLYDORF HUFFLEDAMS? WHERE DO YOU PUT YOUR BROOKENSHIRES
me: Aight man have a good day
It was Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve! – someone who believes in talking snakes
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
Her: Don’t make this weird.
Me: I don’t know any other way to do things.
“Oh my god, you’ve gotten so fat! Want me to make you something to eat?”
– my mother
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
I always keep a google search for “how to find anyone, anywhere, and kill them” open on my phone in case anyone steals it.