@TheDairylandDon

Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.

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@ComeHome4Dinner

2 grams for $40??? Son, you are getting soooooo ripped off.

Go see Jermaine on Fremont St. Tell him Your Mother sent you.

@internetluke

TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in

ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?

@minfiliawarde

me: hi
english person: you mean you don’t have SNELLYDORF HUFFLEDAMS? WHERE DO YOU PUT YOUR BROOKENSHIRES
me: Aight man have a good day

@LOLGOP

It was Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve! – someone who believes in talking snakes

@Vice_Queen

[Me flirting with a twenty something]

Him: When last did you get lit?

Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.

@_steamy_mac

Her: Don’t make this weird.
Me: I don’t know any other way to do things.

@Sir_Strange

“Oh my god, you’ve gotten so fat! Want me to make you something to eat?”

– my mother

@theshantilly

Coworker: You look angry.

Me: I’m not.

CW: Really angry.

Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE

@OVLH

I always keep a google search for “how to find anyone, anywhere, and kill them” open on my phone in case anyone steals it.