exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
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The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
They’re stuck in your pants?
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.