waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
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5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄