Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
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Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
scenes of unspeakable carnage
I’m so full I could puke a horse
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another