one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
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MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,