One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
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Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.