One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
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Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive