Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
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I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year