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Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.


Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?

Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.


I don’t mind not being everyone’s cup of tea because ‘Everyone’s cup of tea’ seems unsanitary


cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.


okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?

*room chuckles*

*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith


Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?


UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria

U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier


If you get angry, just take deep breaths and count to ten. Unless you’re angry about oxygen and numbers.