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@lenadunham

Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.

@sixfootcandy

Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?

Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.

@dugglebutt

I don’t mind not being everyone’s cup of tea because ‘Everyone’s cup of tea’ seems unsanitary

@molly7anne

cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.

@nbadag

okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?

*room chuckles*

*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith

@AndySandford

Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?

@AbrasiveGhost

UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria

U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier

@GrumpyCatsMind

If you get angry, just take deep breaths and count to ten. Unless you’re angry about oxygen and numbers.