*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
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[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do