I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
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One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.