@BatmanOffDuty

One day I bet bullets will be replaced by flowers, and guns will probably be replaced by something that fires flowers with deadly force.

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@withanewname

Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other

@batkaren

ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK

@rachelle_mandik

artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers

@funnyordie

The Walking Dead or the Grammys. Do you watch the bloodthirsty monsters ready to eat each other to survive or do you go with Walking Dead?

@FredTaming

me: bless me father for i have sinned

mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time

@jonnysun

age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing

@markhoppus

“The concept of romantic love is obsolete in the modern era” I declare loudly to no one in particular as I grab for another dinner roll.

@GingerHotDish

Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.

@mommywhines

Enjoyed 3 minutes and 42 seconds of extra sleep this morning by letting my kids stay up 5 hours past their bedtime