One day I bet bullets will be replaced by flowers, and guns will probably be replaced by something that fires flowers with deadly force.

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Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other


ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK


artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers


The Walking Dead or the Grammys. Do you watch the bloodthirsty monsters ready to eat each other to survive or do you go with Walking Dead?


me: bless me father for i have sinned

mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time


age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing


“The concept of romantic love is obsolete in the modern era” I declare loudly to no one in particular as I grab for another dinner roll.


Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.


Enjoyed 3 minutes and 42 seconds of extra sleep this morning by letting my kids stay up 5 hours past their bedtime