One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
You Might Also Like
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once