@DrakeGatsby
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
@Soo_Scandalouss
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
@CheryeDavis
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
@Brampersandon_
[date]
ME: ill have the fish & chips
MERMAID: are u serious?
ME: what
MERMAID: *tries to storm off but ends up just flopping around a bit*
@Home_Halfway
ME: I’d like to be your quarterback
MANAGER: This is a Dominos
ME: The sign said “Hiring All Positions”
MANAGER: [pauses for a moment, then takes out a Jersey from his desk] Touché
@itsPKav
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
@markleggett
I casually mentioned to my cat that I’ve petted many animals in my time, and she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said “How many?”
@Peauxtassium
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
@ravenswng_
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
@sarcasticmommy4
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
@topshelftyson