One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone

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Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!

Rapunzel: … Why tho

Witch: I wanna climb the tower

Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here

Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you

Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link


If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.


ME: ill have the fish & chips
MERMAID: are u serious?
ME: what
MERMAID: *tries to storm off but ends up just flopping around a bit*


ME: I’d like to be your quarterback

MANAGER: This is a Dominos

ME: The sign said “Hiring All Positions”

MANAGER: [pauses for a moment, then takes out a Jersey from his desk] Touché


I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess


I casually mentioned to my cat that I’ve petted many animals in my time, and she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said “How many?”


The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.