@topshelftyson

One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone

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@DrakeGatsby

Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!

Rapunzel: … Why tho

Witch: I wanna climb the tower

Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here

Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you

Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link

@CheryeDavis

If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.

@Brampersandon_

[date]
ME: ill have the fish & chips
MERMAID: are u serious?
ME: what
MERMAID: *tries to storm off but ends up just flopping around a bit*

@Home_Halfway

ME: I’d like to be your quarterback

MANAGER: This is a Dominos

ME: The sign said “Hiring All Positions”

MANAGER: [pauses for a moment, then takes out a Jersey from his desk] Touché

@itsPKav

I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess

@markleggett

I casually mentioned to my cat that I’ve petted many animals in my time, and she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said “How many?”

@ravenswng_

The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.