One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
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Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH