One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
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Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.