For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
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Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
How I wear a scarf:
1. Take scarf and drape it over my shoulder
2. Find an annoying co-worker and choke them to death with it.
I don’t understand women. I also don’t understand how a car works but I still drive it.
The older you get, the more you realize cancelled plans are better than sex.
HER: Do you have any hobbies?
ME: Yes! Wait, did you say “hobbits”?
HER: No, hobbies
ME: Oh, then no
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
TREE: cool just checkin
TRAVEL AGENT: thats your flight booked sir, where would you like to be seated ?
ME:*nervously* inside the plane
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio