@T_Bonezzz

“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”

– Abraham LinkedIn

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@pittdave13

For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in

@djdarrellripley

Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!

Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…

@eff_yeah_steph

Genie: last wish

Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat

Genie: ooh, good one

@That_Damn_Duck

How I wear a scarf:

1. Take scarf and drape it over my shoulder

2. Find an annoying co-worker and choke them to death with it.

3. Repeat

@JDotComma

I don’t understand women. I also don’t understand how a car works but I still drive it.

@ComedicBust

The older you get, the more you realize cancelled plans are better than sex.

@QwertyJones3

[first date]

HER: Do you have any hobbies?

ME: Yes! Wait, did you say “hobbits”?

HER: No, hobbies

ME: Oh, then no

@FrazzleMyGimp

DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him

ME: cool

[later]

TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?

ME: yeah

TREE: cool just checkin

@sonictyrant

TRAVEL AGENT: thats your flight booked sir, where would you like to be seated ?

ME:*nervously* inside the plane