When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
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twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
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