There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
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I opened Twitter at a red light once, and when I looked up, a week had passed and I was sitting in police impound.
Her: Do you have any hobbies?
*flashback to placing dismembered body parts into jars filled with formaldehyde
Me: I make my own preserves.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.