@AnOrangeSNES

One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!

You Might Also Like

@simoncholland

There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”

@Underchilde

I opened Twitter at a red light once, and when I looked up, a week had passed and I was sitting in police impound.

@drinksmcgee

Her: Do you have any hobbies?

*flashback to placing dismembered body parts into jars filled with formaldehyde

Me: I make my own preserves.

@AbbyHasIssues

Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?

Me: Correct.

@AndrewNadeau0

HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.

@Kristen_Arnett

how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes

@LMLMadness

Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.

Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.

@HollyMemphis

When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.

@thongbeard

Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.

@Spaziotwat

Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.