One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!

You Might Also Like


There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”


I opened Twitter at a red light once, and when I looked up, a week had passed and I was sitting in police impound.


Her: Do you have any hobbies?

*flashback to placing dismembered body parts into jars filled with formaldehyde

Me: I make my own preserves.


Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?

Me: Correct.


HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.


how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes


Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.

Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.


When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.


Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.


Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.