One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
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god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
That eye roll….
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
reduce, reuse, recycle
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.