One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.

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him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here

me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news


Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am


Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this

Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords


“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys


I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.


According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.


my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me


Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind

Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class


I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.


Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart

2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*

Me: not like that