One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
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ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
Good morning, Twitter 😊
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.