One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
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*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
😂😂😂😂😂😂
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run