@seamusmckracken

One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.

A love story

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@pazpaz

if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised

@donna_gallers

Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.

@UnFitz

You’re like a first job.

No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.

@shutupmikeginn

A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.

@joetullar123456

What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car

@TheBoydP

How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?

@flashember

Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark

Wife: nonsense, we’re on land

*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*

@ShutUpAndrosky

my neighbor (who is a landlord in his early 20s) is having a party right now. i’ve never been excited to call the cops on someone before this moment. is this what being a white woman who owns a bluetooth headset is like?