@seamusmckracken

One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.

A love story

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@ThugRaccoons

Friend: My car is making a weird noise

Me: Have you tried essential oils?

@ozzyunc

My great-grandmother lived to 101. Her six children are all alive & have each outlived a spouse. The secret to a long life is not enjoying it.

@raniao2011

I don’t hold grudges or plot for revenge, I will simply send a bunch of Jehovah’s witnesses to your door…on a daily basis.

@notacroc

Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best

@bornmiserable

[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead

@radtoria

Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*

@imteddybless

if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water

@BunAndLeggings

me: sorry for speeding officer

cop: you’re parked

me:

cop: in the intersection

me: I can smell your thoughts

cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles

@TheTweetOfGod

“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.