if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
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Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
my neighbor (who is a landlord in his early 20s) is having a party right now. i’ve never been excited to call the cops on someone before this moment. is this what being a white woman who owns a bluetooth headset is like?