Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
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yup im doing this
My great-grandmother lived to 101. Her six children are all alive & have each outlived a spouse. The secret to a long life is not enjoying it.
I don’t hold grudges or plot for revenge, I will simply send a bunch of Jehovah’s witnesses to your door…on a daily basis.
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.