One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
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Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
We need more people like this.
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself