One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
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The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus