One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.

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[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know


Me: OMG, Bill and Cindy got divorced!!!

Hub: I know! He’s got a fresh slate. That guys livin the dream!


Hub:…his dream, not mine


hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol


Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.


“I got chills, they’re multiplying, and I’m losin’ control.” Buddy, you got stomach flu.


My mom won’t stop calling the turkey baster “the squirter” and I can’t keep it together.


Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling


If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.


I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me