@shesananteater

One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.

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@rockymomax

[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know

@Book_Krazy

Me: OMG, Bill and Cindy got divorced!!!

Hub: I know! He’s got a fresh slate. That guys livin the dream!

Me:…

Hub:…his dream, not mine

@CaucasianJames

hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol

@Soren_Ltd

Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.

@thesulk

“I got chills, they’re multiplying, and I’m losin’ control.” Buddy, you got stomach flu.

@PondHockeyPro

My mom won’t stop calling the turkey baster “the squirter” and I can’t keep it together.

@alyssalimp

Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling

@dmc1138

If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.

@envydatropic

I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me