One day my kids will find a “We’re Closed” sign for a grocery store & ask what it is & I’ll sound like the old guy explaining shit in Zelda.

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Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.


I killed a man once, because killing him twice is a physical impossibility.


I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.


My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.


FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?

RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much


Interviewer: do you work well under pressure?




Interviewer: well?

Me: Jesus Christ man, I’m thinking


“Doctor, tennis has caused bad pain in my forearms”

-There’s nothing I can do

“There isn’t?”

-Not until you bring in your other two arms


MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’

NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy


I feel a burst of superiority when I trick a fly into flying out of my car window.


(interviewer): do you have any questions? (me): ya can a werewolf bite really kill a vampire?