The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
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[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone