One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
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A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife