One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
You Might Also Like
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
*pronounces patio like ratio
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
accurate
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.