I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
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Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs