I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
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One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.