One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
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The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
I’m sorry…what?
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.