One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
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I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does