@alive_and_dying

One day, when you least expect it, every single one of your problems will finally be gone. Oddly enough, so will you.

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@AllanForsyth

I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.

@Brampersandon_

ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why

ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in

@TheWidowmakerX

We squint at the sun because it’s bright.

We squint at people because they are not.

@TweetsByTheTony

Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.

@OllyiConic

[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]

Me: what is this

Climate: change

@KateWouldHaveIt

Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>

@UrbanDouchebag

Hug a tree. Then rub your hands along it’s trunk and tell it how knotty it is.

@jilltwiss

As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees

@flashember

[my first day as an art teacher]

“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”

(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)