Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
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Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
The news is so predictable nowadays
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
I have a type: disappointing
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.