One day, when you least expect it, every single one of your problems will finally be gone. Oddly enough, so will you.

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I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.


ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why

ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in


We squint at the sun because it’s bright.

We squint at people because they are not.


Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.


[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]

Me: what is this

Climate: change


Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>


Hug a tree. Then rub your hands along it’s trunk and tell it how knotty it is.


As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees


[my first day as an art teacher]

“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”

(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)