Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
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Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪