parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
One day you’re young and the next thing you know you’re yelling at someone for sitting on “your” park bench.
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My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
A good game for if you’re staying in tonight
Cleveland checks its makeup in the mirror, promises itself this time with LeBron won’t be like before.
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!