One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
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This is the best one I’ve seen
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
not seeing the problem
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?