@DirtMcTurd

One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.

Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly

Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts

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@hstweetheart

I’LL TAKE TEN OF YOUR FINEST MIDGETS! THEY MUST BE CLEVER CONVERSATIONALISTS & KNOW HOW TO PARTY.

“…Ma’am, this is a preschool…”

@bylinetd

Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.

Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!

@bossy_bootz

If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor

If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it

@arresteddev

They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.

@cheeky__gal

I think my cats hate people as much as I do.

Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.

@squirrel74wkgn

*slides note across counter*

Cashier (whispers): No problem.

[over intercom system]

“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”

@InigoUnleashed

Making a frisbee out of bread. Let’s see how those bloody pigeons deal with that!

@Nikkeya08

Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.