@simoncholland

One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.

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@AntozWolf

I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.

@fro_vo

GOLDFISH: hi dog

DOG: hi grayfish

GOLDFISH: hi dog

DOG: u said that already

GOLDFISH: said what

@LoveNLunchmeat

I have two selves:

One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.

@mirandaasantos

throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..

@Rollmaninoz

*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!

@_alexwray

Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression

@Brianhopecomedy

MISSING: 5 year old

LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”

DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids

@jwoodham

Don’t listen to people who tell you not to stay up late. They’re just trying to trick you into being a well-rested person who isn’t anxious.

@SkippyMcGizzard

Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.

*Mr. Miagi on Twitter