One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.

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Gonna be a fiscal conservative for Halloween

First kid gets all my candy, then I assume it’ll trickle down to the rest of the neighborhood


“I’m turning over a new leaf”

-Adam to Eve on their wedding night


Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.


Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.


My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work

He didn’t suffer, it was instant


Store Sign: “WE HAVE MACE”

Think that’s going to keep me from shopping here?


One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.


Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship

Him: You’ll be sorry

Me: I sure hope so


ME: why am I always anxious? maybe watching TV will help-