Gonna be a fiscal conservative for Halloween
First kid gets all my candy, then I assume it’ll trickle down to the rest of the neighborhood
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
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“I’m turning over a new leaf”
-Adam to Eve on their wedding night
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
Store Sign: “WE HAVE MACE”
Think that’s going to keep me from shopping here?
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
ME: why am I always anxious? maybe watching TV will help-
NEWS: IF THE HURRICANE DOESN’T KILL YOU, CLOWNS WILL