@simoncholland

One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.

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@jules_su

Gonna be a fiscal conservative for Halloween

First kid gets all my candy, then I assume it’ll trickle down to the rest of the neighborhood

@prodigal_bran

“I’m turning over a new leaf”

-Adam to Eve on their wedding night

@MelvinofYork

Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.

@SkippyMcGizzard

Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.

@jazz_meoblivion

My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work

He didn’t suffer, it was instant

@timdonakowski

Store Sign: “WE HAVE MACE”

Think that’s going to keep me from shopping here?

@SCbchbum

One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.

@ThugRaccoons

Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship

Him: You’ll be sorry

Me: I sure hope so

@sageboggs

ME: why am I always anxious? maybe watching TV will help-
NEWS: IF THE HURRICANE DOESN’T KILL YOU, CLOWNS WILL