@RodLacroix

One good thing about being sedentary for this long is that the life expectancy of my socks has tripled.

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@novixv

If you read Twitter backwards it tells the story of humanity slowly getting smarter.

@thegreatnanak

Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.

Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air

@CarrieMayhem

Turn ons include impeccable spelling, proper use of grammar, affinity for board games, love of superheroes, and a huge…

library.

@hipstermermaid

I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.

@rebbeckles

My husband: *finishes vacuuming*

Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*

@aveuaskew

If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.

@Brampersandon_

*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE

@H0TMessBarbie

I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.

@noog

[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this

[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY

@TitusNation

Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq