If you read Twitter backwards it tells the story of humanity slowly getting smarter.
One good thing about being sedentary for this long is that the life expectancy of my socks has tripled.
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Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
Turn ons include impeccable spelling, proper use of grammar, affinity for board games, love of superheroes, and a huge…
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
Adam: This isnt so bad
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this
[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx