One good thing about being sedentary for this long is that the life expectancy of my socks has tripled.

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If you read Twitter backwards it tells the story of humanity slowly getting smarter.


Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.

Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air


Turn ons include impeccable spelling, proper use of grammar, affinity for board games, love of superheroes, and a huge…



I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.


My husband: *finishes vacuuming*

Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*


If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.


*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon


I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.


[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this

[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY


Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
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