You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
One good thing about being sedentary for this long is that the life expectancy of my socks has tripled.
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“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me: it took him a couple bytes
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: you are going to hate me but I forgot your name
People who use a vacation day the day after Christmas to have relatives over clearly don’t understand the meaning of the word vacation.
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
A coworker wouldn’t stop bragging about her upcoming trip to Hawaii, so I emailed her a bunch of pictures of plane crashes.