you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
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I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
That time Alicia messaged me
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
Me My dog
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.