Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
“One good thing about me is that I’m a great listener,” I said while some kind of noise came out of her face.
You Might Also Like
This 5 year old is taking a call from his secret agent on a calculator and now I hate my phone.
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
I want to grow my own food but I can’t seem to find any bacon seeds anywhere.
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
Smile and the world smiles with you. Laugh and the world wants you to stop looking at your phone and drive.