“One good thing about me is that I’m a great listener,” I said while some kind of noise came out of her face.

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This 5 year old is taking a call from his secret agent on a calculator and now I hate my phone.


I want to grow my own food but I can’t seem to find any bacon seeds anywhere.


Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.


My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.


Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.

God: it could be worse.

Sea Turtle: how?

God: tell him crab.

Crab: my legs are delicious.

God: [nods] his legs are delicious.


Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?

Me: I got it for my girlfriend.

Indian Chief: Good trade.


As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips


Smile and the world smiles with you. Laugh and the world wants you to stop looking at your phone and drive.