Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
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Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA