Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
One guy wrote on his Facebook status: “Last night, even after having 7 drinks I felt confident to drive, but l acted responsibly & took an Uber.”
400 Likes, 40 Comments. But the best comment was from his best friend: “Where did you go in Uber bro, party was in your house.”
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I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
Rob Zombie is a good musician but also a great way to make money when the undead rise from their graves
THIS IS SO TERRIFYING
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
Excuse me, you with the heels that make your calves perfect, designer dress that accentuates your curves….
You have lettuce in your teeth
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
Found my son and his GF naked in his room, Sex-ED is so advanced. Now, they also give homework!