@Mr_DrinksOnMe

One guy wrote on his Facebook status: “Last night, even after having 7 drinks I felt confident to drive, but l acted responsibly & took an Uber.”

400 Likes, 40 Comments. But the best comment was from his best friend: “Where did you go in Uber bro, party was in your house.”

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@envydatropic

Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.

@shariv67

I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.

@CornOnTheGoblin

[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”

@SortaBad

Rob Zombie is a good musician but also a great way to make money when the undead rise from their graves

@KarenReneK

Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?

Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol

@vineyille

If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain

@greggjgc79

Excuse me, you with the heels that make your calves perfect, designer dress that accentuates your curves….

You have lettuce in your teeth

@junejuly12

[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.

[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?

@SooInnocentDad

Found my son and his GF naked in his room, Sex-ED is so advanced. Now, they also give homework!