I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
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Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better