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I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…



Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”

Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*

“What have you heard?”


We are gathered here today because SOMEBODY *glares at coffin* couldn’t stay alive.


Guys, I only wanna hear about your ex if she is dead.If you still talk about her, I’ll murder her so we can have an interesting conversation


You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.


“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.


WAITER: Do you know what you’d like?
DAD: A better car! Hahaha
WAITER: Sir, wait here
*brings out trophy*
you are our funniest customer ever


If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.


The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.


[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back