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@TheBoydP

I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…

@Rollinintheseat

[Restaurant]

Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”

Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*

“What have you heard?”

@Loving_Life1996

We are gathered here today because SOMEBODY *glares at coffin* couldn’t stay alive.

@TheRohiniReddy

Guys, I only wanna hear about your ex if she is dead.If you still talk about her, I’ll murder her so we can have an interesting conversation

@candyflippin

You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.

@GlennyRodge

“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.

@Home_Halfway

WAITER: Do you know what you’d like?
DAD: A better car! Hahaha
WAITER: Sir, wait here
*brings out trophy*
you are our funniest customer ever

@junejuly12

If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.

@DearAuntAbby

The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.

@david8hughes

[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back