one last job
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In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
Natty or not?
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.