One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
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Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
*me flirting
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
A couple who are silly together stay together.