One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
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Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
#StillHurts
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
Guantanamo Bae
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.