@Grind_n_Roll

One man’s cougar is another man’s grandmother.

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@InternetHippo

Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down

@philyuck

ME: I’ll sleep on it.
MATTRESS SALESMAN: Ok.
ME: So wrap it up. I’d like to sleep on it tonight.
MATTRESS SALESMAN: Oh, you want the… ok.

@ElleOhHell

Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.

@TheTimmyToes

I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me

@Pork_Chop_Hair

(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!

Courtroom:

Me: … Well this is embarrassing

@UncleDuke1969

Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”

Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”

@DurtMcHurtt

My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.

@UncleDuke1969

I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.

@Sanbel11

I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.