One man’s cougar is another man’s grandmother.

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Detective: one of you is the murderer

The actual murderer: *remains calm*

Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*


If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah


I cannot believe all of these people are out!

-Me when I’m out


Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now


The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.


[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]


How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.


People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.

I like to call those people liars.


[tightening roller skates]

“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”