@Grind_n_Roll

One man’s cougar is another man’s grandmother.

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@AbbieEvansXO

Detective: one of you is the murderer

The actual murderer: *remains calm*

Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*

@geniusindisgize

If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah

@dumbbeezie

I cannot believe all of these people are out!

-Me when I’m out

@bobvulfov

Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now

@trevso_electric

The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.

@dave_cactus

[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]

@Fun_Beard

How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.

@AngelaEhh

People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.

I like to call those people liars.

@caliluvgirl77

[tightening roller skates]

“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”