JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
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Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
*launders Kohls cash*
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
Hey Fugeddaboutit
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
Haha good job!!
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
This was a bad idea all around
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.