One minute I’m showing her my room dedicated to banjos and the next she claims she has to leave due to an emergency.

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Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.


Messages you through eBay.

Hi, why did you block me?


Walking by the lingerie section

Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.

Me: Uh huh.


I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?


Me: Pretty sure my life just flashed before my eyes.

Trainer: You only did a single push-up.

Me: Call my mother and tell her I love her.


“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup


Husband: Let’s role play.

Me: Okay.

H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.

Me: I quit.


My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.


me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]


BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.