@anerdonfire2

One minute I’m showing her my room dedicated to banjos and the next she claims she has to leave due to an emergency.

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@skickwriter

Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.

@_NikkaBee

Messages you through eBay.

Hi, why did you block me?

@MomOfTeen

Walking by the lingerie section

Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.

Me: Uh huh.

@SentenceReduced

I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?

@DirtyySouthMess

Me: Pretty sure my life just flashed before my eyes.

Trainer: You only did a single push-up.

Me: Call my mother and tell her I love her.

@bea_ker

“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup

@mommajessiec

Husband: Let’s role play.

Me: Okay.

H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.

Me: I quit.

@Lovestained555

My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.

@KeetPotato

me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]

@PAT_E_ROCK

BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.