@shannonjrox

One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.

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@CooIStepDad

[on a date]

“I usually don’t do this but..”

*runs out on date so she has to pay*

@TheAndrewNadeau

Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.

@1_swarthy_dude

Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.

@KKAlThani

Laughter is the best medicine. Depression is the best food. Happiness is the best animal. I don’t know since we’re clearly making stuff up.

@ISOremarkable

if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”

@SteveSuckington

[2 guys at open mic night]

What are we gonna name our band?

[from crowd] look at the one guys hair! LMFAO

*they look at each other*

@aecide

Killing mosquitoes by smashing them in mid-air as they fly by is so satisfying until you accidentally hit a person in the head.

@MNateShyamalan

venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason

@abbycohenwl

Watch me get this baby up to 90 miles per hour!
– inventor of the infant catapult moments before his arrest