One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.

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[on a date]

“I usually don’t do this but..”

*runs out on date so she has to pay*


Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.


Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.


Laughter is the best medicine. Depression is the best food. Happiness is the best animal. I don’t know since we’re clearly making stuff up.


if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”


[2 guys at open mic night]

What are we gonna name our band?

[from crowd] look at the one guys hair! LMFAO

*they look at each other*


Killing mosquitoes by smashing them in mid-air as they fly by is so satisfying until you accidentally hit a person in the head.


venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason


Watch me get this baby up to 90 miles per hour!
– inventor of the infant catapult moments before his arrest