One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.

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Date: So what do you do for fun?

Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.


Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*


Principal: Your son is a gamer

[Parents are visibly shaken]

Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.



[at seance]

Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.

Ghost Husband: I’m here.

Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.

Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”


You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse


Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap

Me: sure

Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold

Me: I’m not an idiot

[10 minutes later]


[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]


Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..

Worse: It was in her handwriting…


Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.


(i go up to lady pushing baby in stroller and put my foot up on the stroller to address the baby) hey baby… is this woman bothering you