@shannonjrox

One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.

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@TheRolo

Date: So what do you do for fun?

Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.

@sixfootcandy

Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*

@SteveDutzy

Principal: Your son is a gamer

[Parents are visibly shaken]

Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.

Parents: OH THANK GOD

@BoomBoomBetty

[at seance]

Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.

Ghost Husband: I’m here.

Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.

Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”

@KimmyMonte

You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse

@NewDadNotes

Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap

Me: sure

Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold

Me: I’m not an idiot

[10 minutes later]

@justabloodygame

[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]

@bigbrez100

Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..

Worse: It was in her handwriting…

@truegritrumble

Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.

@machiavellino

(i go up to lady pushing baby in stroller and put my foot up on the stroller to address the baby) hey baby… is this woman bothering you