One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
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Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
A sick whale is called an unwhale
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend