Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
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What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer