One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
You Might Also Like
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS