@TheThomason

One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.

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@jake_likes_naps

*cops finds my loose floorboard*

Cop: What’s under here…

*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*

Me: I’d like my lawyer now.

@dafloydsta

[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes

@OneFunnyMummy

The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”

@TheBoydP

Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”

@StellaRtwot

Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?

@WilliamRodgers

The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…

I’m gonna miss that baby…

@TheHyyyype

[my first day as a mechanic]

customer: i need an oil change

me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change

@C00LpenNAME

I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life

@donni

Slowly, Waldo’s wife and Mr. Sandiego started putting the pieces together