*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
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[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
Slowly, Waldo’s wife and Mr. Sandiego started putting the pieces together