@BrdnHatesYou
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
@TheThomason
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
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@BrdnHatesYou
@liv_thatsme
Leading causes of death among men:
1. Heart attacks
2. Strokes
3. Getting their wives a gym membership for Valentine’s Day
@disco_socialist
@Kalarlis
When the cashier asks for my signature, I just write “HELP ME” while maintaining eye contact
@Wine_Honey1
Pro tip: If you smear your lipstick all over your face like the Joker, people won’t talk to you.
@funflaps
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
@roxiqt
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
@SortaBad
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
@mattsurely
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
@badkuthi69
why isn’t he texting back
