@TheThomason

One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.

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@daneZie

My biggest fear is dying alone.
Not really stoked to die with people either.
You know, dying in general doesn’t exactly sound like pancakes.

@NewDadNotes

God: You found the Holy Grail!

Me: cool, what does it do?

God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.

Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.

God: you don’t want eternal li-

Me: I said pass.

@HepatitisAtoZ

hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall

@KyleMcDowell86

“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”

@_ElvishPresley_

whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”

@OneFunnyMummy

Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.

@briangaar

FOUR STAGES OF LOSING MY KEYS
1. Can’t find keys
2. Accuse everyone around me of taking my keys
3. Find keys
4. Apologize for key witchhunt

@ohpeetie

My hobbies include reading books, eating snacks, and sending emails referencing attachments without the attachments.

@jonnysun

whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him

@TheCiscoKidder

You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.