One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
You Might Also Like
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
mumsnet is amazing
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
🌱🌱🌱
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
Coffee for people with no kids
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
Botany good plants lately?
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’