@TheThomason

One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.

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@BrdnHatesYou

*beats arachnophobia*

*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*

*fears spiders again*

@liv_thatsme

Leading causes of death among men:
1. Heart attacks
2. Strokes
3. Getting their wives a gym membership for Valentine’s Day

@Kalarlis

When the cashier asks for my signature, I just write “HELP ME” while maintaining eye contact

@Wine_Honey1

Pro tip: If you smear your lipstick all over your face like the Joker, people won’t talk to you.

@funflaps

BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test

ME: Hold my bong

@roxiqt

DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”

ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”

@SortaBad

Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom

@mattsurely

Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.